Date Fright — Heart Eyes
Now that the Oscars are over, it’s time to get back fully to regular coverage of 2025 cinema. I’ve already posted a couple of belated reviews, and I’ve got a few more in the chamber to dole out over the next week or so. The first of these is Heart Eyes, which came out just over three weeks ago, the latest in a slew of horror films released as Date Night flicks around Valentine’s Day. This one in particular seeks to lean into that leitmotif, blending tropes from both slasher films and romantic comedies, hoping to satisfy both halves of a heteronormative coupling. While there are certainly some successes in that regard, ultimately the movie left me wanting.
I think the problem is that the story thinks it’s far more clever than it is, sacrificing basic plot logic for the sake of cheap jokes. Also, while there is some fun to be had by combining genres, this was sold as a horror picture primarily, and instead it’s far closer to rom-com territory for the bulk of the runtime, engaging in the far too common practice of setting up an awesome scare fest before abandoning it until basically the third act.
We get an absolutely amazing opening set piece, where two young lovers, Patrick and Adeline (Alex Walker and Lauren O’Hara), have a fairy tale proposal moment at a winery. This is immediately subverted by the fact that a hidden photographer (Latham Gaines) didn’t get the “perfect” shot, so Patrick angrily cusses him out before they do another take. In a single instant, we see that our lovey-dovey couple are actually self-entitled assholes, making them perfect horror movie cannon fodder. Sure enough, the titular serial killer, wearing a leather mask befitting his name, emerges from the vineyard and takes all three participants out in fantastically gory fashion. In the span of about five minutes, we’ve set up the potential for the next great franchise murderer.
And then we basically just stop. Two detectives, Hobbs and Shaw, played respectively by Devon Sawa and Jordana Brewster (yes, they use the names to make multiple references to the worst movie series in existence, and yes, it is excruciating every time they do it), investigate the scene, with Shaw positing that Heart Eyes has a fetish for murder, that it’s his kink. After standard-issue “newsposition” about Heart Eyes striking every year in a major American city, dispatching couples on and around Valentine’s Day, we shift firmly to rom-com for the next 45 minutes.
We meet Ally (Olivia Holt), who wouldn’t you know it, just can’t make it work in the romance department despite being a 10. She recently broke up with her boyfriend and stalks him online because he very quickly moved on, and her bestie Monica (Gigi Zumbado) constantly encourages her to get back out there in the most irritating way possible, a constant stream of dick references while bragging about being a sugar baby to an older daddy. At a coffee shop, Ally bumps into Jay (Mason Gooding, son of Cuba), who just so happened to have the exact same order as she did, resulting in an adorable meet-cute (if you can’t detect the sarcasm here, consult a physician). Ally’s also super neurotic about pulling out a reusable metal straw from her purse to drink her brew, as she’s totally environmentally conscious, and there’s no way it’ll come into play later. As the camera winks, Anton Chekhov spins in his grave. After their awkward introduction, Ally and Monica go to their job at a jewelry company where Ally is in charge of advertising, and her latest campaign is disastrous because it features doomed couples and she doesn’t believe in true love. Oh no! Rather than be fired, Ally’s bitch of a boss (Michaela Watkins) assigns her to work with one of the best advertising executives in the world, joining the company in a freelance capacity, and *gasp* it’s the super cute Jay that she met at the coffee shop, eeeeeeee!
This wouldn’t be so bad if the movie did anything with it. The job stress is just an excuse to put Jay and Ally together, and the entire premise is completely dispensed with once the actual story gets going. It’s like those older episodes of The Simpsons where the first five minutes had nothing to do with the plot, and were just an excuse for some random humor before the inciting incident. Every character that gets introduced is just as annoying as Patrick and Adeline, and yet somehow none of them are easy targets for death. In fact Jay and Ally are our protagonists. You don’t set up a character as intolerable as Monica and not kill her off! The closest thing we get to any real subversion is a tossed-off joke from the barista about how Jay and Ally’s shared coffee order is literally the most common one they have, dispelling any notion of some kind of destined meeting of romantic fate.
Even when Heart Eyes reenters the picture, more time is spent running over the same tired conventions of the rom-com genre in what plays more like a feature-length exercise in “CAN’T THIS WAIT?!?!?!?!?!” It starts in Ally’s apartment building, which they have to break into because Ally forgot her key. Inside the unit (which was also locked, but she had that key), there’s some banal commentary on Ally not being girly enough and not having enough decor in her place before Heart Eyes bursts from the closet and tries to kill them. The movie mostly becomes a series of chase sequences until the climax, with the only solid running gag being the pair constantly asking why they’re being targeted, as they’re not a romantic couple, having just met that day.
Now, within those sequences, we do get a couple of solid moments and righteous kills, particularly at a drive-in theatre where a very loud couple in mid-coitus get theirs in hilarious fashion (spoiled by the trailer; sadly it’s one of the film’s best moments). It’s just that there aren’t enough of them. What we do get largely redeems the bad stuff, but when you sell us a horror movie, give us the actual horror. Don’t just tease it a few times and then leave it hanging. That’s an entirely different fetish that you can engage in online if that’s your thing.
There’s also no real mystery into who Heart Eyes is. The script certainly thinks there is, but if you’ve ever seen a movie before, you know where this is all going. There’s an aside where Hobbs and Shaw try to pin everything on Jay, but it’s an obvious red herring, and even the minimal clues offered point directly to the real culprit. When the reveal everyone sees coming happens, the killer exposits the scheme in a way that feels like the writers themselves are trying to brag, but it doesn’t make sense. For example, there’s an explanation as to why Ally and Jay were pursued, but it doesn’t explain how Heart Eyes knew where Ally lived and how he got in her fucking closet. When you consider who Heart Eyes ends up being, the entire murder spree falls apart, because how in the hell did no one notice the killer leaving Seattle for other cities to do their slashing, and why would he then do his latest deeds on what is essentially home turf, where it’s easiest to get caught?
Stylistically, the film is well done, with a great mix of upbeat and lighthearted rom-com cinematography and scoring against darker, more twisted takes when the actual chase is on and the body count resumes. Also, for what it’s worth, Holt and Gooding do have chemistry as performers, which does sort of play into Heart Eyes’ murderous motivations. The script takes it too far when it should have just been left as a knowing subtlety for the audience, but credit where it’s due.
I just wish this flick delivered more of what it promised, which was a hybrid horror/rom-com romp that was mostly slasher, while taking knowing shots at the more trite aspects of both genres. If anything, hopeless losers in love like myself dared to hope that this was an anti-romance just to give us a respite from all the amorous commercialization of which we’re unable to take part. Instead, it was mostly a rom-com with a slasher film hugging it for warmth, actively participating in the things that make both styles feel stale after a while. The season of romance is already over for the year, but even if I had been able to review this when it first came out, my assessment would be the same. Don’t fork over your money to see this in theatres, but you might enjoy yourself if you watch it as part of a quiet night on the couch with your sweetie.
Grade: B-
Join the conversation in the comments below! What film should I review next? What other genres could you see being mashed together? Where do you rank the killer among the all-time slasher greats? Let me know! And remember, you can follow me on Twitter (fuck “X”) as well as Bluesky, and subscribe to my YouTube channel for even more content, and check out the entire BTRP Media Network at btrpmedia.com!
Originally published at http://actuallypaid.com on March 4, 2025.
